Science Discovery: Bushcronium, A New Element
by Dr Julius Sumner Miller II Tuesday January 17, 2006 at 10:04 AM
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named “Bushcronium.” Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Bushcronium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Bushcronium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, a reaction that normally would take less than one second. Bushcronium has a normal half-life of multiples of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Bushcronium’s mass actually will increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain level of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as “Critical Morass.” When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.
The effects of Bushcronium on the environment are not fully understood, although studies by environmental scientists have shown that the uncontrolled dispersal of Bushcronium has caused hibernating bears to refuse to emerge from their caves. It is estimated that reversing the toxic effects of Bushcronium on the environment will take many years, a process made more difficult by the fact that the extreme density of Bushcronium causes it to penetrate deeply into the infrastructure, where it is difficult to identify and remove.
The effects of ingesting Bushcronium are quite serious, typically leading to hysterical blindness, inability to reason rationally, paranoid delusions, kleptomania, and severe bipolar behavior. There have been rare cases of spontaneous remission, but MRI scans of sufferers from Bushcronium poisoning show significant loss of brain tissue. The general prognosis is poor.
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